Thursday, August 4, 2011

Talking to the Cat: Part 3

Talking Cat 3

I finally managed to make peace with my cat. I realized that, after I gained the ability to speak with him, I had been treating him more like a human. He's still a cat, just a talking, evil one. So I went back to Wal-Mart and made some purchases.
Later that day, he came in and, as usual, began berating me in his deep, booming voice. "FOOL! Why have you not prepared my evening meal? You know I DEMAND food when I return from slaughtering the weak --"
I pulled out my new laser pointer and clicked it on near his feet.
" -- PREY!" he shouted, and pounced. I moved the red dot away from him, slowly. He tracked it like a pedophile window-shopping at a kindergarden. Then he pounced again, slamming his head directly into the wall.
We continued like this for about an hour. Finally, he sat down and panted. "This prey continues to elude me. I must rest before taking my revenge upon it." I dropped a scratching post full of catnip in front of him. His eyes widened as he took the scent, and began vigorously trying to tear it apart. After another hour of doing cheetah flips in midair and yowling randomly, he flopped down, asleep. I grinned.
Ever since then, things have been going better. He'll even watch me playing games or watching TV sometimes, though I find the commentary to be disturbing.
On shooting games: "Use caution here, human. Prowl, if you can. Yes....yesssss.....sneak up behind him. Now the knife! YES! DIE, PREY! HAHAHAHA! I LOVE THIS GAME, HUMAN!"
On strategy games: "This bores me. Wake me when there's prey to kill." (falls asleep on keyboard).
On facebook: "I shall have my own facebook page, so that others may know of my greatness. You will create it for me. Typing is beneath me."
On porn: "Ugh, disgusting! Your females are hairless! And they have no tails! I must now vomit on your lap."
On furry porn: "That's more like it." (in retrospect, it should not have surprised me that the cat is into furry porn).
On Star Wars: "Boring, boring, boring....there's no blood." (sees Darth Vader) "I like this one."
On Empire Strikes Back: "Yeeeees.....die, Luke! DIE, WEAKLING SCUM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! VADER IS UNSTOPPABLE!"
On Return of the Jedi: "I want to eat the furry little things. They are small and helpless."
All in all, things are going better, except for one incident. He's figured out how to browse the web, but he can't type, only use the mouse. That limits the trouble he can get into. I bookmarked a bunch of funny cat picture sites for him and he looks at them for hours while I'm asleep. Anyways, one night he was reading facebook. I didn't think anything of it at the time. But then I saw what he'd been looking at: A friend form high school posted about a groundhog in her yard. Earlier I'd replied with a throwaway joke about how my cat would take care of it. He read that and tried to type a reply, but couldn't get it to work, so he deleted it.
And he wasn't in the house this morning. Oh........shit.
I looked around frantically, hoping he was just out murdering some birds, like usual.Then I found the note he left me, on the kitchen floor, crudely scrawled using one of my old pens: DEAER HOOMIN, GON TO HELPP YUR FREND SHANNN WIT GROWNDHG. B BAK N A WEEK. HATE U, KITTY
OH.......SHIT.

TO BE CONTINUED

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