Friday, September 16, 2011


Joe McGinniss’ new book slams Sarah Palin, alleging she once used cocaine and had extramarital affairs. Several of the book’s most explosive claims are all over the gossip sites recently. I was able to acquire an advance copy of the book by stealing it, and boy, let me tell you, there’s some nasty stuff in there. Some of the scandals include:

1. Sarah did cocaine for over a decade, often combining it with other drugs.
2. Sarah has had numerous extramarital affairs, with both men and women.
3. There are sex tapes. As in, more than one.
4. Sarah still does marijuana, often along with her daughter Bristol.
5. Sarah embezzled money while she was governor.
6. An enemy of the Palins, allegedly shot by accident while hunting, was really murdered in cold blood by Sarah.
7. Trig is not her child.
8. Bristol is not Todd’s child.
9. Todd Palin has also had affairs, mostly with other men while working on the oil fields.
10. Sarah beats Todd on a regular basis.
11. Sarah was diagnosed as a sociopath as a child, but her parents covered it up.
12. Sarah can’t read.
13. All of the Palin’s children are deformed in some way, due to Todd’s work in the oil industry.
14. When she was president of the PTA at her kid’s school, Sarah embezzled over $100.
15. Sarah beat up Joe McGinnis when he tried to ask her questions.
16. Sarah Palin planned 9/11 in concert with Bin Laden, Cheney, and a shadowy cartel of oil barons.
17. In order to ensure her ascent to power, Sarah has made pacts with several demonic entities, including Azazel, Beelzebub, and Cthulu.
18. If elected president, Sarah plans to usher in the “thousand days of fire” as foretold in the Al-Aqqasa Prophecies.
19. When you see Sarah Palin on TV, she sees you too.
20. Sarah no longer eats human food. Instead she ingests several human souls a day.
21. Sarah’s retinue includes several Succubi and Incubi (her harem), a greater demon (security) and a short man named Bob (media consultant).
22. Sarah Palin’s vagina has teeth. She sharpens them.
23. Sarah Palin paints her toenails in a color called “human entrails”.
24. Sarah is a 21st level acolyte in the priesthood of Ithaqua, the Elder God of Freezing Your Ass Off. Worship of Ithaqua is widespread among Alaskans, Canadians, and Russians. Notably, the Scandinavians do not worship Ithaqua, as they are too consumed by bloodlust to feel the cold.
25. Sarah Palin had sex with Chuck Norris.
26. Sara Palin has “immune to cold” as an innate ability.
27. Sarah Palin can cast “annoy liberals” three times per day at will.
28. Sarah Palin gets +4 to hit and damage with firearms, and has preferred enemy (liberal media).
29. Sarah Palin can cast “Summon Elder Hero: John McCain” once per day.

I have just learned that these facts are NOT from the new book about Sarah Palin. They are instead from another new book by Joe McGinniss, entitled “Bullshit as a Sales Strategy: How to tell lies that everyone knows are lies, but they believe them anyway because they conform to their preconceived ideas.” Wow. It’s almost as if McGinniss knows that he can just say any old thing in his book, and a certain target audience will believe it, regardless of sourcing, fact-checking, etc……as long as it slams Sarah Palin, these idiots will buy it, read it, and mindlessly repeat every half-baked smear job as if it were god’s own truth. I look forward to seeing this book quoted in many, many internet comment threads and shitty blog posts, along with the mandatory assertion that “you’re stupid if you don’t believe this”. Honestly, McGinniss should have just made up random shit and marketed it as a comedy. Hell, maybe I’ll do it. You’ve heard of Chuck Norris Facts? Get ready for Sarah Palin Facts, baby!

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Dating Game

In an attempt to meet more women, I decided to visit an online dating website. Since I fail at life, I decided to get some people to come with me. The format was odd: the site was set up like the old gameshow "the dating game". The bachelorette would ask her suitors a question, which they had to answer in a cool or interesting way. Or something. I didn't really understand it, since I suck with people. Also, this is in no way a complete rip off of an old article.
Bachelor #1: An evil cat, brimming with homicidal rage, who can somehow talk.
Bachelor #2: A major crime boss, who pretends to be a mild-mannered housewife in New England. Currently extra pissed off due to hurricane Irene.
Bachelor #3: A fat, balding, smelly loser with a raging case of Asperger’s and a freakishly large penis.

Q: Tell me how you kiss.
Cat: I don't have lips.
Shannon: Kiss? the electric company out here can KISS MY ASS! A WEEK AND STILL NO POWER?!? WHAT THE FUCK!
Me: um.......using lots of teeth?

Q: If you were a car, what kind would you be?
Cat: Whichever kind kills things.
Shannon: An amphibious car, because THIS PLACE IS STILL FUCKING FLOODED GODDAMMIT!
Me: A garbage truck. I'm full of things people don't need and would rather not have to deal with.... and I spill them everywhere I go.

Q: I spell relief M A S S A G E. How do you spell relief?
Cat: T H E   N E I G H B O R ' S   D O G    D I E D
Shannon: F U C K I N G     E L E C T R I C I T Y
Me: R E L I E F....are you stupid or something?

Q: How did you get over your last broken heart?
Cat: My heart cannot be broken, because there is nothing inside it but the mad inhuman lust to kill.
Shannon: I told the FBI he was a Russian spy. Haven't heard from him since.
Me: ........Oh, crap. I meant to say C O M F Y   C H A I R. Can I change my answer?

Q: Describe your best body part.
Cat: Claws and teeth, baby.
Shannon: I've got to say Dimitri's ears are the jewel of my collection.
Me: My colon. It's the strongest muscle in my body.

Q: What's the first thing you think about in the morning?
Cat: Annoying my human.
Shannon: Lately? Assassinating the CEO of the local power company.
Me: The cat's tail, because it's usually shoved up my nose at dawn.
Cat: lol.

Q: If you had a sound effect, what would it be?
Cat: The wailing of countless damned souls being consumed by the Elder Gods.
Shannon: ....that's pretty good, I'll go with that.
Me: A twelve-second long, 80 decibel fart.

Q: What's your favorite animal?
Cat: Cats, of course.
Shannon: .........(looks at Cat thoughtfully) Cats.
Me: Dogs. AAARGH OW OW OW DAMN! OK! OK! Stop clawing me! It's cats! Cats!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Special Guest Blogger: Muammar Khaddafi

I give thanks to Lucas, the wonderful, wonderful person who has allowed me to use his blog to debunk the misinformation and lies spread by the evil crusader pigs about me. I, Muammar Qaddafi, Supreme Dictator and Ruler for Life of Libya, Keeper of the Holy Bowel Movement, Lord of the Harem of Frighteningly Tall Women, General of the Completely Non-Shitty Armies of Allah, declare that Libya will be victorious against the traitorous rebel dogs. My forces won a mighty victory against them only yesterday, in which three rebels were badly injured by accidentally shooting each other. Ha! This shows the rebel forces’ lack of discipline! My men NEVER shoot each other, primarily because they are out of ammunition. But, still, my men’s discipline is superior! Yesterday, the rebels declared that they had captured the capitol of Libya. Fools! The capitol of Libya is where I say it is! The capital of Libya is hereby Om-Ei-Queefed, a small oasis in the Sahara desert. They will never find it, let alone take it! Soon my elite corps of camel-mounted fanatics will encircle and destroy the enemy! Speaking of the enemy, the Americans, British, and French continue to huddle offshore, refusing to enter Libya except for airstrikes! Cowards! What kind of “man” waits outside his enemies’ range while obliterating his foe with precision airpower? A coward, I say! They are afraid to attack because they know that I, Gaddafi, will soon take the field personally! I will don my battle uniform (made of embroidered silk, very classy) and ride to victory! I am now ready to field questions from the audience.
Q: Is it true that you are sexually obsessed with Condileezza Rice, former secretary of state of the US?
A: Yes! Any virile man would be obsessed as well! By Allah, look at her booty! There is no firmer, tighter ass among any nation’s senior leadership! Except perhaps the Ukraine or Sweden. Next question!
Q: Have you heard reports that one of your daughters has defected to the rebels?
A: Vile lies! None of my daughters would betray me, except perhaps Ahhayia, but I executed her last year. Lies!
Q: Sir, you forces are in retreat, your military is disintegrating, and you are losing control of your nation. Shouldn’t you admit defeat?
A: We are only retreating to lull the enemy into a false sense of security. We will fall back, wait, and then… POUNCE! Just like the desert cat! And like the desert cat, we will feast on our enemies entrails before urinating on their remains and raping their donkeys!
Q: Rebel forces say they have you surrounded –
A: (interrupting) There are no rebels in Libya! Next question.
Q: Are you, by any chance, in Om-Ei-Queefed right now?
A: Yes…….why?
Q: (speaks into watch, pauses)….No reason. (sits down)
[transmission terminated]