Friday, September 2, 2011

Special Guest Blogger: Muammar Khaddafi

I give thanks to Lucas, the wonderful, wonderful person who has allowed me to use his blog to debunk the misinformation and lies spread by the evil crusader pigs about me. I, Muammar Qaddafi, Supreme Dictator and Ruler for Life of Libya, Keeper of the Holy Bowel Movement, Lord of the Harem of Frighteningly Tall Women, General of the Completely Non-Shitty Armies of Allah, declare that Libya will be victorious against the traitorous rebel dogs. My forces won a mighty victory against them only yesterday, in which three rebels were badly injured by accidentally shooting each other. Ha! This shows the rebel forces’ lack of discipline! My men NEVER shoot each other, primarily because they are out of ammunition. But, still, my men’s discipline is superior! Yesterday, the rebels declared that they had captured the capitol of Libya. Fools! The capitol of Libya is where I say it is! The capital of Libya is hereby Om-Ei-Queefed, a small oasis in the Sahara desert. They will never find it, let alone take it! Soon my elite corps of camel-mounted fanatics will encircle and destroy the enemy! Speaking of the enemy, the Americans, British, and French continue to huddle offshore, refusing to enter Libya except for airstrikes! Cowards! What kind of “man” waits outside his enemies’ range while obliterating his foe with precision airpower? A coward, I say! They are afraid to attack because they know that I, Gaddafi, will soon take the field personally! I will don my battle uniform (made of embroidered silk, very classy) and ride to victory! I am now ready to field questions from the audience.
Q: Is it true that you are sexually obsessed with Condileezza Rice, former secretary of state of the US?
A: Yes! Any virile man would be obsessed as well! By Allah, look at her booty! There is no firmer, tighter ass among any nation’s senior leadership! Except perhaps the Ukraine or Sweden. Next question!
Q: Have you heard reports that one of your daughters has defected to the rebels?
A: Vile lies! None of my daughters would betray me, except perhaps Ahhayia, but I executed her last year. Lies!
Q: Sir, you forces are in retreat, your military is disintegrating, and you are losing control of your nation. Shouldn’t you admit defeat?
A: We are only retreating to lull the enemy into a false sense of security. We will fall back, wait, and then… POUNCE! Just like the desert cat! And like the desert cat, we will feast on our enemies entrails before urinating on their remains and raping their donkeys!
Q: Rebel forces say they have you surrounded –
A: (interrupting) There are no rebels in Libya! Next question.
Q: Are you, by any chance, in Om-Ei-Queefed right now?
A: Yes…….why?
Q: (speaks into watch, pauses)….No reason. (sits down)
[transmission terminated]

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