Joe McGinniss’ new book slams Sarah Palin, alleging she once used cocaine and had extramarital affairs. Several of the book’s most explosive claims are all over the gossip sites recently. I was able to acquire an advance copy of the book by stealing it, and boy, let me tell you, there’s some nasty stuff in there. Some of the scandals include:
1. Sarah did cocaine for over a decade, often combining it with other drugs.
2. Sarah has had numerous extramarital affairs, with both men and women.
3. There are sex tapes. As in, more than one.
4. Sarah still does marijuana, often along with her daughter Bristol.
5. Sarah embezzled money while she was governor.
6. An enemy of the Palins, allegedly shot by accident while hunting, was really murdered in cold blood by Sarah.
7. Trig is not her child.
8. Bristol is not Todd’s child.
9. Todd Palin has also had affairs, mostly with other men while working on the oil fields.
10. Sarah beats Todd on a regular basis.
11. Sarah was diagnosed as a sociopath as a child, but her parents covered it up.
12. Sarah can’t read.
13. All of the Palin’s children are deformed in some way, due to Todd’s work in the oil industry.
14. When she was president of the PTA at her kid’s school, Sarah embezzled over $100.
15. Sarah beat up Joe McGinnis when he tried to ask her questions.
16. Sarah Palin planned 9/11 in concert with Bin Laden, Cheney, and a shadowy cartel of oil barons.
17. In order to ensure her ascent to power, Sarah has made pacts with several demonic entities, including Azazel, Beelzebub, and Cthulu.
18. If elected president, Sarah plans to usher in the “thousand days of fire” as foretold in the Al-Aqqasa Prophecies.
19. When you see Sarah Palin on TV, she sees you too.
20. Sarah no longer eats human food. Instead she ingests several human souls a day.
21. Sarah’s retinue includes several Succubi and Incubi (her harem), a greater demon (security) and a short man named Bob (media consultant).
22. Sarah Palin’s vagina has teeth. She sharpens them.
23. Sarah Palin paints her toenails in a color called “human entrails”.
24. Sarah is a 21st level acolyte in the priesthood of Ithaqua, the Elder God of Freezing Your Ass Off. Worship of Ithaqua is widespread among Alaskans, Canadians, and Russians. Notably, the Scandinavians do not worship Ithaqua, as they are too consumed by bloodlust to feel the cold.
25. Sarah Palin had sex with Chuck Norris.
26. Sara Palin has “immune to cold” as an innate ability.
27. Sarah Palin can cast “annoy liberals” three times per day at will.
28. Sarah Palin gets +4 to hit and damage with firearms, and has preferred enemy (liberal media).
29. Sarah Palin can cast “Summon Elder Hero: John McCain” once per day.
I have just learned that these facts are NOT from the new book about Sarah Palin. They are instead from another new book by Joe McGinniss, entitled “Bullshit as a Sales Strategy: How to tell lies that everyone knows are lies, but they believe them anyway because they conform to their preconceived ideas.” Wow. It’s almost as if McGinniss knows that he can just say any old thing in his book, and a certain target audience will believe it, regardless of sourcing, fact-checking, etc……as long as it slams Sarah Palin, these idiots will buy it, read it, and mindlessly repeat every half-baked smear job as if it were god’s own truth. I look forward to seeing this book quoted in many, many internet comment threads and shitty blog posts, along with the mandatory assertion that “you’re stupid if you don’t believe this”. Honestly, McGinniss should have just made up random shit and marketed it as a comedy. Hell, maybe I’ll do it. You’ve heard of Chuck Norris Facts? Get ready for Sarah Palin Facts, baby!