In an attempt to meet more women, I decided to visit an online dating website. Since I fail at life, I decided to get some people to come with me. The format was odd: the site was set up like the old gameshow "the dating game". The bachelorette would ask her suitors a question, which they had to answer in a cool or interesting way. Or something. I didn't really understand it, since I suck with people. Also, this is in no way a complete rip off of an old Somethingawful.com article.
Bachelor #1: An evil cat, brimming with homicidal rage, who can somehow talk.
Bachelor #2: A major crime boss, who pretends to be a mild-mannered housewife in New England. Currently extra pissed off due to hurricane Irene.
Bachelor #3: A fat, balding, smelly loser with a raging case of Asperger’s and a freakishly large penis.
Q: Tell me how you kiss.
Cat: I don't have lips.
Shannon: Kiss? the electric company out here can KISS MY ASS! A WEEK AND STILL NO POWER?!? WHAT THE FUCK!
Me: um.......using lots of teeth?
Q: If you were a car, what kind would you be?
Cat: Whichever kind kills things.
Shannon: An amphibious car, because THIS PLACE IS STILL FUCKING FLOODED GODDAMMIT!
Me: A garbage truck. I'm full of things people don't need and would rather not have to deal with.... and I spill them everywhere I go.
Q: I spell relief M A S S A G E. How do you spell relief?
Cat: T H E N E I G H B O R ' S D O G D I E D
Shannon: F U C K I N G E L E C T R I C I T Y
Me: R E L I E F....are you stupid or something?
Q: How did you get over your last broken heart?
Cat: My heart cannot be broken, because there is nothing inside it but the mad inhuman lust to kill.
Shannon: I told the FBI he was a Russian spy. Haven't heard from him since.
Me: ........Oh, crap. I meant to say C O M F Y C H A I R. Can I change my answer?
Q: Describe your best body part.
Cat: Claws and teeth, baby.
Shannon: I've got to say Dimitri's ears are the jewel of my collection.
Me: My colon. It's the strongest muscle in my body.
Q: What's the first thing you think about in the morning?
Cat: Annoying my human.
Shannon: Lately? Assassinating the CEO of the local power company.
Me: The cat's tail, because it's usually shoved up my nose at dawn.
Q: If you had a sound effect, what would it be?
Cat: The wailing of countless damned souls being consumed by the Elder Gods.
Shannon: ....that's pretty good, I'll go with that.
Me: A twelve-second long, 80 decibel fart.
Q: What's your favorite animal?
Cat: Cats, of course.
Shannon: .........(looks at Cat thoughtfully) Cats.
Me: Dogs. AAARGH OW OW OW DAMN! OK! OK! Stop clawing me! It's cats! Cats!