One frantic internet search later, I was calling my old high school friend Shannon. As the phone rang, I tried to remember whether I'd stalked her or not. Horribly, I was drawing a blank. I couldn't remember much about her at all other than "blonde, pretty, and popular". Oh well, I'd wing it.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Shannon, this is Lucas. Remember me?"
"......sort of......"
"We hung out at that one place that one time, and I managed to offend nearly everyone in 15 minutes flat?"
"...oh yeah! Hi!"
Quickly, I explained the problem. "My cat can talk, and no one but me can hear him. he's coming to your house to help you with your warthog problem after he read about it on facebook. I'm worried that he won't stop with the warthog since he's evil. I need to drive over there, get the cat, and get back before he kills something. Or someone."
There was a long, long pause. "Hello?" I asked.
"Yes, um, I'm here. I, uh......am a little surprised. Are you, by any chance, in a mental institution right now?" She sounded very confused. Well, who could blame her? It was a lot to take in.
I tried to sound encouraging. "Not at the moment. They said I was no longer a danger to myself or others and let me out a while back. That doesn't matter, though. Look, all I need to do is show up there, grab the cat, and split. Nothing to it."
"Well......I could catch him for you."
"No! It's much too dangerous. Look, I'll be there in a few hours. Just stay alive!"
"Wait...." she said. "How's the cat going to get here so fast? I live hundreds of miles away!"
I gritted my teeth. "I made the mistake of leaving my credit card out. He bought a bus ticket."
Apparently, the mental image of my cat calmly waiting in line, presenting his ticket, and riding on a bus like nothing was wrong overwhelmed her, because she had nothing to say to that. I hung up, and ran for the car.
There's a lot of things that go through your mind when you're racing to stop your murderous cat from possibly killing an old high school friend. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of them, because I was distracted by this SMOKIN' hot brunette driving next to me. It was with a heavy heart that I turned off the insterstate and let her drive away.
I arrived at Shannon's after only a few hours. She met me at the door. "Lucas! It's ok, I caught him!"
I stopped dead and let out a huge sigh of relief. "Thank God! Where is he? Did he hurt anyone?"
She smiled up at me (she was shorter than I remembered). "I have him in a cat carrier in the kitchen. Come on in."
She had a really nice house, but I had eyes only for my dear, sweet kitty, who was indeed in a cat carrier on the kitchen counter. I knew it was him; the murderous glare in his eyes and the howls of incoherent feline rage gave him away. "Kitty!" I shouted, not entirely joyfully. He paused in his attempts to rip the metal grate out and regarded me. "HUMAN!" he boomed, in his incredibly deep, bass rumble. "I require assistance! This bloody peasant has imprisoned me!"
"Hold on, cat. I'll be right there." I turned to Shannon. "I'm so glad nothing bad happened! How did you catch him?"
Shannon smiled charmingly. "Oh, I have my ways. Hey, since you're here, let's sit and chat a while. We can catch up. I put out some snacks."
"Uh....." Now it was my turn to be surprised. "Sure, I guess...." I walked over to where the snacks were.
"Great! I served my favorite, raw salmon and mixed nuts and berries."
"Uh?" I said. I was still trying to figure out why she was being nice to me. Something was going on. But what?
Shannon stood right next to me. A little too close, in fact. She was checking me out rather obviously. I had no idea how to respond to that. She said, "I can see you've gained weight....." She smiled again, showing her teeth.
The cat screamed at me. "Human! It's a trap!"
I froze, as suddenly, all the clues fell into place.
Her favorite foods were raw salmon, berries, and nuts. She was skilled in the outdoors. She was looking at me like she wanted to eat me.
Shannon was an Alaskan Grizzly Bear in disguise.
The bear sensed I had seen through its deception and threw off its disguise. A 5'0" slim blonde transforming into an 8'5" 1000 lb grizzly bear was quite a spectacle. I dove for cover behind the couch.
"UUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNG" said Shannon, and tore the couch in half. I scurried across the floor, still on my hands and knees, as the bear advanced on me.
"HUMAN! TO ME!" boomed the cat.
"What the hell does that mean?!?!" I shouted, as I threw a chair at the bear. I staggered to my feet and sprinted away.
"It means COME OVER HERE AND LET ME OUT!" bawled the cat.
"UUUURRRRRNNNNNNUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Bellowed Shannon, the chair bouncing off her head and shattering.
I sprinted to the kitchen, the bear in hot pursuit. I barely stayed out of reach of her huge claws. lungs heaving, I wrenched the cat carrier open.
The cat erupted from his prison. "PREPARE FOR DOOM, EVIL HAIRY ONE!" He yowled up at the bear.
"UURRNNN!" Exclaimed the bear.
The next few moments were so horrifying that I can only describe them using euphemisms.
The cat leaped onto the bear, tearing into her dinglehopper. The bear roared and tried to grab kitty's foofinsnortle, but missed. Kitty moved across the bear's back using his claws, latching on to her bumpus nubs. Mudkipz flew everywhere. Then kitty moved in, tearing out her tittlegrief. Mudkipz and liquidy Hydrosquirtle spewed across the room. I was so shocked I Hydrosquirtled myself. Then kitty took the bear down with a devastating bite to the bumpus nubs and finished her off with a merciless strike to the anterior rectal cavity. I staggered outside and yawned in technicolor into Shannon's beautiful flower bed.
The cat pranced out, covered in Mudkipz. "That's the way we did it in ancient Egypt, beeyotch," he snarled.
"Come on, cat, we gotta get out of here before the real Shannon gets home!"
"Ugh. Oh, very well." He jumped into the car with me.
Halfway home, the real Shannon called me. I was pretty out of it, so I don't remember much other than "dead bear in my house, you bastard, put you away for the rest of your natural life, blah blah blah." I tried explaining that it wasn't my fault, but she didn't want to hear it. I hung up on her after she called me a "blight on humanity". Even the cat thought that was a little much.
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