How to Deal With: Monsters

So, last night I found out that a monster lives in my closet. My murderous cat, bless his furry, blood-drenched soul, found it while I was playing Mass Effect 2. As usual, I had my headphones on, intent on my quest to lure Miranda and Kelly into a threesome, when his yowls of rage yanked me abruptly back into reality. “Goddammit, cat!” I shouted, certain it was another mouse. I stood up and stormed over to the closet, stepping over piles of unwashed clothes, stacks of books, and my complete collection of Sarah Palin commemorative dinner plates. When I got a good look into the closet, however, I shut my mouth in mid-rant.

My cat was furiously attacking the ankle of a large, purple, people-eater. It was without any doubt a monster; the jagged teeth, drool, claws, and murderous glare gave it away. Well, ok, it could be my cat, but he was smaller and furrier. And not purple. Otherwise, no difference at all. I stared at it. It stared at me. The cat took a chunk out of its leg and ran off to eat it. That got its attention. “UUUUUURRRRG!” It shouted, spraying spittle everywhere. I retreated to my bed. It’s breath was BAD. I mean, DAYUM.  As I gagged, it lumbered out of my closet and snarled at me. The fact that the purple people-eating monster was limping and bleeding profusely from my cat’s attempt to eat it made it a little less threatening. Still, I was in trouble. How was I going to deal with this? I could use my old army knife on it, but then it would bleed all over my dirty clothes, and I would have to wash them. I’d been putting that off for a month and I was determined not to give up yet, so that was out. I could talk it to death, but the fact that it didn’t have ears was an issue. Suddenly, inspiration struck: I was still aroused from ogling Miranda’s ass in Mass Effect 2 (more like ASS effect amirite)?

Lying back, I pulled out my gigantic, throbbing cock and began stroking it. I looked the monster right in the eyes and said, “Hi there sexy.”

Its eyes widened in horror.

I don’t think he’ll be coming around here again.