For some reason, a lot of people have been emailing me asking for help lately. Maybe they think my cat’s a superhero or something, I dunno. At any rate, I finally gave in, and got together a panel of experts to give you the best advice possible.
Expert 1: An evil cat, brimming with homicidal rage, who can somehow talk.
Expert 2: A major crime boss, who pretends to be a mild-mannered housewife in New England.
Expert 3: A fat, balding, smelly loser with a raging case of Asperger’s and a freakishly large penis.
Q: I’m having trouble getting a job in this economy, and money is getting tight. My friends say I should go back to school, but I don’t want to take on any more debt. If I don’t find something soon I may have to move home with parents! What should I do? –Joe, 22, Atlanta
Cat: Jobs are for the weak. Real men live in the woods and eat anything too slow to escape.
Shannon: Deal Drugs. Somewhere other than my turf.
Me: Move home with your parents, succumb to major depression, lose all your money, get fat, and spend all your time reading 4chan and masturbating.
Q: I’m an aspiring republican presidential candidate. I need to find a way to stand out from the herd other than my policies or personality because I don’t have either. –Mitt, 56, Boston
Cat: One by one, challenge your opponents to single combat. Slay them all and eat their corpses while journalists watch. Just don’t try this with Sarah Palin.
Shannon: Propose the legalization of prostitution, gambling, drugs, guns, and shady loans.
Me: Have you considered a nice, sleazy sex scandal?
Q: A guy beat me up at school yesterday. My friends say I should get him back, but how? –David, 16, LA
Cat: Ambush him in a school hallway. After knocking him down, establish dominance by urinating on him. I advise marking the school and entire student body as your territory as well, to avoid future challenges.
Shannon: Kill his family.
Me: Tell him you’re gay and hot for him. He’ll never touch you again. Unless he’s gay too, in which case you are (literally) fucked.
Q: Help! My boyfriend cheated on me and I don’t know what to do! Should I dump him or forgive him? Hillary, 14, Ohio
Cat: Where is the problem here? This is normal behavior.
Shannon: Cut his balls off with a knife. Pickle them and put them in a jar on your desk.
Me: Obviously you’re not satisfying him in bed. Try dressing sluttier and new sexual techniques, such as anal, rimming, and pegging.
Q: A friend of mine told me that twilight sucks, but it totally doesn’t! Twilight is the best book ever! Tell him he’s wrong. –Jenny, 16, FL
Cat: (vomits noisily)
Shannon: What’s your address, Jenny? I have a package for you.
Me: What’s your address, Jenny? You sound cute.
Q: I’m president of the United States. I’m dealing with a lot of problems right now, but none of them are my fault! I just keep getting yelled at, no matter what I do. How do I get the haters to shut up? –Barack, 58, DC
Cat: If you were a true leader, you would beat them into a bloody pulp and feast on their flesh. You disgust me.
Shannon: Cry me a river, bitch.
Me: Have you considered not sucking?