Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Cat Has Gone Too Far

As most of you know, I complain about my cat a lot. He's a mighty hunter, and thinks it's just great to bring me live animals, kill, and eat them under my bed. Or in some cases lose interest and let them nest in my kitchen for six months. But tonight he went TOO FAR. this is the last straw.

Tonight, my caught brought home a Mexican migrant laborer. He looked to be about 20-ish. I was awakened about 11 PM by the sounds of him screaming as the cat prepared to devour him. I stormed out of bed and turned on the lights. "DAMMIT CAT! NO! BAD KITTY!"
"meeeooow?" (innocent look)
The mexican guy started babbling. He was pretty upset. Sadly, I could not understand his native tongue. I tried writing down what he said, but I haven't been able to get Google to translate it. After I got the cat off him, he said something like "I speak english, you stupid asshole!"
I was stumped. How could I communicate with him? Through trial and error, I was able to convey basic meaning through a series of gestures, to which he would reply in his incomprehensible native tongue. I managed to get him calmed down, and to keep him busy, I sat him down at my computer to look at porn. While I'd been distracted, the cat had brought in a female deer, which he was attempting to finish off.
"NO! NO! BAD KITTY! BAD! STOP IT!"
deer: "HHHRRRRRRRRNNNNN"
mexican: "Holy shit!"
It took me an hour, but I got it all cleared up. The mexican's asleep on my couch; tommorrow I'll try to drop him off at an animal shelter or something. The deer died from its injuries. I threw the carcass over the fence into my neighbor's yard. The cat followed quickly, and horrible sounds of rending flesh could be heard. The neighbor's dog came to investigate; unfortunately it was a smaller dog, and too slow to escape my cat's whirlwind of death.
I'm going to have to do something about this. Tommorrow, I will try to cast a spell which will enable me to speak to cats. If it succeeds, I shall try to reason with him. If that fails, I don't know what I will do.

[edited: 2:57:33 AM]
this is Ricardo Jimenez help me im trapped in crazy mans house if you come to rescue me watch out for his cat it is possessed by the devil

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