12 Steps for Recovering Mass Effect Addicts

I can admit it: I have a problem. I have become obsessed with Mass Effect. Between the exciting action scenes, the great background, deep characterizations, brilliant graphics, and Miranda’s ass, I can think of nothing else. The first indicator that I was dangerously obsessed was when I didn’t eat or sleep for two days to finish the game for the first time. The second indicator was me not eating or sleeping for another two days to finish the game for a second time.  The third indicator was a live chicken in my bedroom at 3 AM, which was not being attacked by my murderous cat, indicating that I had begun to hallucinate due to lack of food and sleep. The fourth indicator was, when I went to subway to get some food, a pretty girl asked me out. I replied that I couldn’t go out with her as I was in a committed relationship with Tali. After that, I knew I was in trouble. I therefore created the “12 step program for Mass-aholics”. (I should have called it “Massholes” but I was worried no one would get it). Here is the first version of my 12-step program.

STEP 1: Complete a mission without ogling Samara’s cleavage or Miranda’s ass

STEP 2: Dump Tali. Cry.

STEP 3: Play the final mission and deliberately get your entire crew killed

STEP 4: Play mission where romance option from the first game shows up; realize that you are a cheating bastard

STEP 5: Download pictures of real women

STEP 6: Masturbate

STEP 7: Discover Yvonne Strahovski, the actress who provided the voice and looks for Miranda

STEP 8: Masturbate

STEP 9: Return to step 1

The process obviously needed some work, so I tried to create version 2 of the 12 step program.

STEP 1. Play entire game without removing pants

STEP 2. Play as female main character. Attempt to romance female crew members. Get rejected. Cry.

STEP 3. Except that Kelly doesn’t reject you, and in fact gives you a sexy dance after the last mission.

STEP 4. Put your pants back on.

STEP 5. Return to step 1.

That wasn’t working either. So I slept on it. In a dream, God appeared, and told me the solution.

STEPS 1 THROUGH 12: Turn off the fucking game

Why didn’t I think of that?