How to Deal With: Monsters

So, last night I found out that a monster lives in my closet. My murderous cat, bless his furry, blood-drenched soul, found it while I was playing Mass Effect 2. As usual, I had my headphones on, intent on my quest to lure Miranda and Kelly into a threesome, when his yowls of rage yanked me abruptly back into reality. “Goddammit, cat!” I shouted, certain it was another mouse. I stood up and stormed over to the closet, stepping over piles of unwashed clothes, stacks of books, and my complete collection of Sarah Palin commemorative dinner plates. When I got a good look into the closet, however, I shut my mouth in mid-rant.

My cat was furiously attacking the ankle of a large, purple, people-eater. It was without any doubt a monster; the jagged teeth, drool, claws, and murderous glare gave it away. Well, ok, it could be my cat, but he was smaller and furrier. And not purple. Otherwise, no difference at all. I stared at it. It stared at me. The cat took a chunk out of its leg and ran off to eat it. That got its attention. “UUUUUURRRRG!” It shouted, spraying spittle everywhere. I retreated to my bed. It’s breath was BAD. I mean, DAYUM.  As I gagged, it lumbered out of my closet and snarled at me. The fact that the purple people-eating monster was limping and bleeding profusely from my cat’s attempt to eat it made it a little less threatening. Still, I was in trouble. How was I going to deal with this? I could use my old army knife on it, but then it would bleed all over my dirty clothes, and I would have to wash them. I’d been putting that off for a month and I was determined not to give up yet, so that was out. I could talk it to death, but the fact that it didn’t have ears was an issue. Suddenly, inspiration struck: I was still aroused from ogling Miranda’s ass in Mass Effect 2 (more like ASS effect amirite)?

Lying back, I pulled out my gigantic, throbbing cock and began stroking it. I looked the monster right in the eyes and said, “Hi there sexy.”

Its eyes widened in horror.

I don’t think he’ll be coming around here again.

12 Steps for Recovering Mass Effect Addicts

I can admit it: I have a problem. I have become obsessed with Mass Effect. Between the exciting action scenes, the great background, deep characterizations, brilliant graphics, and Miranda’s ass, I can think of nothing else. The first indicator that I was dangerously obsessed was when I didn’t eat or sleep for two days to finish the game for the first time. The second indicator was me not eating or sleeping for another two days to finish the game for a second time.  The third indicator was a live chicken in my bedroom at 3 AM, which was not being attacked by my murderous cat, indicating that I had begun to hallucinate due to lack of food and sleep. The fourth indicator was, when I went to subway to get some food, a pretty girl asked me out. I replied that I couldn’t go out with her as I was in a committed relationship with Tali. After that, I knew I was in trouble. I therefore created the “12 step program for Mass-aholics”. (I should have called it “Massholes” but I was worried no one would get it). Here is the first version of my 12-step program.

STEP 1: Complete a mission without ogling Samara’s cleavage or Miranda’s ass

STEP 2: Dump Tali. Cry.

STEP 3: Play the final mission and deliberately get your entire crew killed

STEP 4: Play mission where romance option from the first game shows up; realize that you are a cheating bastard

STEP 5: Download pictures of real women

STEP 6: Masturbate

STEP 7: Discover Yvonne Strahovski, the actress who provided the voice and looks for Miranda

STEP 8: Masturbate

STEP 9: Return to step 1

The process obviously needed some work, so I tried to create version 2 of the 12 step program.

STEP 1. Play entire game without removing pants

STEP 2. Play as female main character. Attempt to romance female crew members. Get rejected. Cry.

STEP 3. Except that Kelly doesn’t reject you, and in fact gives you a sexy dance after the last mission.

STEP 4. Put your pants back on.

STEP 5. Return to step 1.

That wasn’t working either. So I slept on it. In a dream, God appeared, and told me the solution.

STEPS 1 THROUGH 12: Turn off the fucking game

Why didn’t I think of that?

Interview: actress Yvonne Strahovski

                                                                   
Me: Thank you for agreeing to this interview. It’ll be a big traffic boost for me.
Yvonne: I didn’t agree to a bloody thing. You’re just making all this up.
Me: Stop playing hard to get, Yvonne. We’re already here, it’s time to deliver.
Yvonne. Fine, whatever.
Me: Besides, if I was making this all up, wouldn’t I make you more….agreeable?
Yvonne: Not if you like being abused by women.
Me: …..
Yvonne: You know, that would explain a lot about your love life.
Me: YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH RIGHT NOW.
Yvonne: Oooh, touch a nerve there, did I?
Me: MOVING RIGHT ALONG….When did you first get into show business?
Yvonne: Go search Wikipedia. That’s such a lame question I don’t have to answer it.
Me: (gritting teeth) FINE. Here’s a new, fresh, and interesting question. Is it true that you find fat, balding men who smell of coffee arousing?
Yvonne: WHAT? NO!
Me: Stop being coy, Yvonne. I saw how you were looking at me earlier.
Yvonne: I WAS NOT!
Me: OK, enough flirting. Next question: Is it true that your paternal grandfather was a Nazi camp guard who fled to Australia after the war?
Yvonne: NO! That is a vicious lie propogated by the Zionist-controlled media.
Me: So, you deny the charge?
Yvonne: I deny it completely.
Me: But you do, in fact, have blond hair and blue eyes.
Yvonne: Yes…..
Me: That proves that your grandfather was a Nazi, does it not?
Yvonne: NO!
Me: I know the truth Yvonne. Admit it.
Yvonne: Admit what? That this entire thing has been a pack of lies from start to finish?
Me: Admit that you are a product of secret Nazi genetic engineering work designed to create the perfect woman. Smuggled out of Germany before the end of the war, you were given to foster parents to raise.
Yvonne: You’re bloody insane!
Me: The truth is out. You are simply too sexy to exist. Not to mention the brains and biotics. Your father gave you everything to carry out his dynasty, except love.
Yvonne: Biotics?......what…… you’re talking about the character I played in Mass Effect 2, Miranda!
Me: More Zionist propaganda! I know the truth!
Yvonne: Listen to me, you bleedin’ psycho: I am not the characters I play. I ACT. It’s NOT REAL!
Me: Oh, so you deny your involvement with Cerberus?
Yvonne: You are a truly disturbed individual and you need help. And a size XXXXL straitjacket. This interview is over.
Me: Wait, Mira – er, Yvonne! You can’t run away from the truth!
(footsteps receding rapidly into the distance)
(sound of interviewer crying forlornly in the corner)